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Topic: Dad jokes.

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what disease do tics in Florida give you?

key lime disease. 



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A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

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How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.



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how do fish get high?

seaweed.

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Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.



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May be an image of text that says 'Just found'out the company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.'



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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?



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Do you know why seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.

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One for Pan since he loves these... lol

I got fired from the bank today.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.



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I've been diagnosed with a rare type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands.

There is no cure.

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Homer wrote:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 98 year old grandmother and comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.  

"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.  Nice and slow and even.  Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along."


baaaaaahahahahaha! 



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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 98 year old grandmother and comfort her.  When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.  

"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.  Nice and slow and even.  Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream truck hadn't come along."



Jedi Master
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What kind of zoo only has one dog?

A ****zu!

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Her: Who's your favourite literary vampire?

Me: The one in Sesame Street

Her: He doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does



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I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.



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when you look up "Redundant" in the dictionary...it says see redundant.

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I just found out I’m colourblind. The news came out of the purple!

 



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Where do you take a sick boat? To the dock.

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What did zero say to eight?

I love your belt!

 
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